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October 20, 2013
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Bullets flying through the air
Explosions rippling the sky
Rifles cracking the night
Enemies in my sights

Outnumbered
Outgunned
Waiting seemingly in line
As our lives meet our deadline

Flashbacks
Lover in my arms
Kids around my feet
This is why I die

So that they would all
Have the time to live
Even if we soldiers
Must give up our lives

A ricochet brings me back up to speed
My comrades line up right next to me
Who are all making fellow sacrifices
So that their families will continue on
Just like mine

As the invaders press on
We hold our own
Even as we fall one by one
We were never alone

A bullet went right through me
Blood blossoming out my chest
Numbing cold eliminates my heat
Falling down to the earth
I pray to God a few things

That my loved ones shall be safe
That our sacrifice shall not be in vain
And that even if I die today
I'm proud to say
That we Rangers went all the way




Now I did this piece purely out of fiction, no resemblance to a real battle or event. Though I took a romantic view on what a real last stand might feel like to a soldier. I put Rangers because I really do honor the 75th Regiment, or the Rangers. A unit I wish to join in the future, though I hear it's very difficult to join, I'll try :D.
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:iconfernknits:
fernknits Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
%PoeticalCondition critique:

This poem has a powerful subject and it is dealt with in a powerful way.  I like the way you've kept your writing spare, only using words that are important to the story.  It gives the poem a clean, strong feeling.

I might include just a few more descriptive words to help flesh out some of the images.  I wouldn't suggest that you add much because that would change the style of the poem, but maybe in the "Flashbacks" stanza, add to "Kids around my feet" or "Lover in my arms" -- something like "Kids playing around my feet" or "Lover safe in my arms" -- whatever works for you.

My concern about this poem is that it's not at all clear what the Rangers are fighting for -- other than the vague notions of freedom and safety.  I'd like to know a little bit more about the story -- why are they fighting, whom are they fighting, where and when?  Fleshing the story out a little bit would make the Rangers seem more human, and thus make them easier for us to relate to.

It's very clear in your poem that you have great reverence for the 75th regiment.  I think you've done a good job of getting that message across.  Thanks for allowing me to critique, and please let me know if I can clarify my comments or be of assistance in any other way.  :) 
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:iconsithwolf-07:
Sithwolf-07 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013
Thanks for the Critique mate :) I haven't expected an actual one but I really do appreciate your thoughts and opinions. I might change it I don't know, I don't have much time on here so.. and I really didn't set up a objective or main details on what exactly they're fighting for. I mainly just focused on the fighting and the cost of it. I'll try to keep that in mind next time I write a similar piece.  
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:iconcookenz:
Cookenz Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013
Wow, this is amazing.  :happybounce:   Such powerful words. :0 I run a poetry blog, and It would be so cool to have this piece entered. Please go check it out and let me know. :D (Big Grin)  
healmewithwords.blogspot.com
Your DA links and info would be shared on there as well as any additional website that this piece is on. Please think about it 
:) (Smile) You can submit your work though the submission mailbox that is on the top right of the blog Computer Error: Emote 
 Giggle Thanks Pikachu waves  
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:iconsithwolf-07:
Sithwolf-07 Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013
Sure I don't mind :) please do
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:iconcookenz:
Cookenz Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013
Great to see you're interested! I hope to see your work in my inbox soon. i got a letter  Don't forget to become a member. It's mandatory, but it's free and a lot of fun :) When you become a member, I send you notes to automatically let you know that someone has commented on your work. :OverInternetGlomp:  So, you don't have to check constantly. Also, you get the chance to give and receive positive feedback which is something all writers need :cutenod: . And best of all, you can share your poetry with the world. :goodjob: revamp 
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:iconunthai:
UnThai Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Good Morning,



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:iconmightymorphinpower4:
MightyMorphinPower4 Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013
Wow moving poem
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:iconsithwolf-07:
Sithwolf-07 Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013
Thank you ^_^ and for the favorite too.
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